


…in knee deep under the pale moonlight

by thunderylee



Category: KinKi Kids
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, M/M, POV First Person, unnamed narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-23
Updated: 2007-07-23
Packaged: 2019-02-07 15:34:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12844191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: An account of KouTsu’s “relationship” as seen by another.





	…in knee deep under the pale moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

Domotos Koichi and Tsuyoshi were always close. They’d have to have been, to spend so much time together. Aside from performing and interviews, there were also promotions and song-writing. You didn’t see one without the other around the time of their debut. I wasn’t around for that, but I’d heard from my sempais.

As a backdancer for Domoto Koichi, I’ve heard it all. Maybe not as much as if I were an actual Johnny, but backdancing is as close as a girl can get these days. At my very first rehearsal, I must have looked apprehensive because one of the older girls took me aside and said, “Don’t worry about Koichi-san trying anything fresh. Everybody knows he doesn’t like girls.”

He could have fooled me. Koichi-san was famous for flirting with his fans, his dancers, his staff, other talents, even the older women who interviewed him. He was strict when it came to choreography – none of us wanted to be “spoken to” about our dancing – but for the most part he was very fun to work for. He laughed a lot and smiled like he was always having a good time, although those of us who were constantly around him knew better.

Whatever it was, he was good at keeping it to himself. Over the years, throughout many concerts with both him and Tsuyoshi-san, he never showed more than a forlorn look. It was convenient that he kept the same troupe of dancers for his solo concerts as well as their KinKi Kids ones – job stability – but it also gave us the opportunity to observe him offstage, witness his faults and, over time, learn his secrets.

He called me Hana. That’s not my name, but it may as well be. Everyone outside of the troupe knows me as “the girl with the hair.” If you’ve seen his first solo concert then you know which one I am. That was my first performance as his backdancer. Between then and now, he’s spoken to me three times. The first two were critiques on my dancing, the third a request. “Hana-chan,” he said to me not long ago, “I’ve never been able to hide anything from you. When the time comes, tell them my story. Let the world know what could have been, if only things had been different.”

The “things” Koichi-san had been referring to were the rules of Johnny’s Entertainment and Japan’s society as a whole. It’s a well-known fact that Johnny-sama did not like his boys to date or marry; it was not so much a _rule_ as a favor, but everybody knew that there would be less dorama offers and less unit performances if one of the members was not “readily available.” Johnny-sama didn’t whore out his boys, it was nothing like that (although the term “host club” comes to mind now that I think about it), but the fans liked the idea of their favorites being single. If an idol was to be off the market, he would lose popularity fast.

Thus, Koichi-san treated every female he met as though she were his girlfriend. He spoiled us with presents as well as our paychecks, told us we were pretty, and took us out on occasion. My sempai had been right; he never tried anything with any of us. I only know about the other girls because there was a particular dancer – Yari, he called her, appropriately enough – who would have loved nothing more than to be his first scandal, and she kept asking the rest of us if we had received any advances. Besides, I was his favorite.

I’m not going to lie. I was. I think it was because I could tell when something was bothering him, and something as small as my smile was a comfort to him. For the longest time, I couldn’t tell what (or who) the source of the problem was, only that there was one and it was affecting his concentration, and for awhile I thought that it might be me. Not performance-wise; after a couple years of observation, it was quite clear that his problem revolved around a particular person not returning his romantic feelings. The way he looked longingly into the distance when he thought no one was watching, how he would sigh and plaster on his fake smile before going on stage…

You might think I’m quite full of myself, thinking that someone like Domoto Koichi-san would be interested in me. It’s quite the opposite; I was _terrified_ that I might be the object of his affections. He was an attractive man with a lot to offer, but I have never been one for mixing work with pleasure, unlike Yari-chan. Thankfully, this had nothing to do with me, although how I ended up in the middle of it is anybody’s guess.

It was only recently that I discovered the identity of Koichi-san’s unrequited love, and when I did I almost laughed at loud at my stupidity. Of _course_ it would be that person, the one who was always around yet completely unobtainable. Never for one minute had I thought that, despite my sempai’s advice, Koichi-san would actually be gay. At first I wondered how that was a problem – in my eyes it seemed all the more convenient – but even in a world where fanservice tops the charts, it’s still frowned upon for a man to be in a relationship with another man. That’s where society comes into play; it’s okay for them to pretend, but it absolutely cannot be real. What Koichi-san was feeling could not be real.

Honestly, I should have known years ago. Watching them together, out of the public eye, was just short of heartbreaking. They had a bond from the start, the same last name even. I’ve spent a lot of time watching old videos of them for choreography research, and to this day it still blows my mind to see how in sync they were at such a young age. They complimented each other years before they debuted and continued to do so years after. If that’s fanservice then they should be crowned the kings.

I suppose now that it’s obvious whom I’m speaking about, I should refer to him by his rightful name. Domoto Tsuyoshi-san has never been shy about his sexuality, or rather his carelessness towards the entire male-versus-female choice. He never officially “came out,” but once you kiss a guy on YouTube, you’re labeled “bi” whether you really are or not. Back then, Tsuyoshi-san was careless about pretty much everything except for three things – music, fish, and his Kou-chan. Not necessarily in that order. I wouldn’t say I knew him very well, but like I said, I saw things.

I saw how Koichi-san would regard Tsuyoshi-san before shows, like a concerned parent wondering if his grown-up child was taking care of himself. “Have you eaten today?” he would ask, and if Tsuyoshi-san said no, Koichi-san would run to the nearest vending machine and get him something, standing there with his arms folded until Tsuyoshi-san ate every last piece of whatever it was. Word through the grapevine says that Tsuyoshi-san had a weight complex there for awhile; others say it was a side effect of his medication. Either way, Koichi-san became very protective of Tsuyoshi-san.

And Tsuyoshi-san gave it right back. There were times, particularly in 2004 when I had just started, when Tsuyoshi-san felt that his partner was overexerting himself. Despite having his own responsibilities, he constantly showed up on set and backstage to check on Koichi-san and make sure that he was okay. He even went as far as to shove Koichi-san on a scale more than once. I’ve spoken with him a lot over the years, mostly when he wanted answers to questions that Koichi-san wouldn’t provide. “How long does he work out every day?” “Does he look tired at all?” We were always honest with him; we liked Tsuyoshi-san, a lot.

I still do like him a lot. He’s the most down-to-earth out of everyone I’ve met in JE. And the way he cares about Koichi-san is second to none. You would think they were blood brothers with the unconditional love they share, but then again “brothers” doesn’t give it – whatever it is – its proper credit. It’s hard to explain. I think it was hard for _them_ to explain, especially to each other. Between those two, everything was said except for what really needed to be said.

I know this now; I didn’t then. If I had known for sure, I would have drug them both into a room and made them confess. It had already been over ten years by the time I found out. Who knew how much longer it would have gone on for? It’s both of their faults, actually, but at the same time neither one is to blame. It was always the timing. Countless instances I have caught one or the other open his mouth to say something, the look on his face signifying that it was “that” something, just to have a staff member call out, “On in five!” The latter would prompt the former to continue, but the moment was over.

Whatever it was, it seemed to be enough for them. When they were together. When they were apart, it was a completely different story. While I never saw Koichi-san shed a tear, there were times when his eyes were red. I told Tsuyoshi-san about it once, out of fear that he was coming down with something, but all Tsuyoshi-san did was frown. When Tsuyoshi-san frowns, he looks like the saddest person in the world, like the five-year-old who dropped his ice cream. If he were close to me, I would want to keep him smiling all the time. Which is exactly what Koichi-san did.

Every time Tsuyoshi-san smiled, and I mean really smiled, Koichi’s smile got brighter. It became real. He looked like the happiest person in the world, like the kid who made the team, scored high on the test, and got the girl all in the same day. When he’s with Tsuyoshi-san, whether on stage or off, there’s no place he would rather be. This is evident from the downfall his face would take when their time together was over.

During his last solo concert, he may as well have been not there. He put on an act for the audience – always bringing the fanservice – but backstage he was a zombie. Poor Akiyama-kun didn’t know how to handle him. He called Tsuyoshi-san, but Tsuyoshi-san was busy and didn’t answer the phone. Akiyama-kun didn’t know how to say “your partner is missing you so much it physically hurts” on someone’s voicemail, and besides, he shouldn’t have been the one saying it.

I’ve always wondered why no one close to them mentioned anything. If they had known the other felt the same way, things wouldn’t have happened the way they did, and Koichi-san and Tsuyoshi-san might be together and happy, regardless of what those who don’t approve had to say. It’s not like they didn’t have friends. Maybe the whole topic is strictly taboo amongst men; I will never know. And neither will they.

For now that Koichi-san is in the grave and Tsuyoshi-san is in the asylum, the time has come for me to follow through on his wish.

At least once a month, I pay a visit to Tsuyoshi-san. He tells me stories, none of which are true, all of which are fabricated tales about him and his Kou-chan, places they never went and things they never did. He thinks that Koichi-san is still alive and there with him, the sort of invisible friend that doesn’t go away with age. He tells me things that Koichi-san “says” like he’s translating between two languages. “Kou-chan says you should come around more often, Hana-chan.” “Kou-chan liked your hair better before, Hana-chan.” It’s sad but at the same time it brings a smile to my face.

After all they went through, after all the time they wasted, after Tsuyoshi-san read Koichi-san’s note containing the words he’d been longing to hear (“I’ve always loved you”), they are both finally at peace. Koichi-san took his life, Tsuyoshi-san lost his mind, and somehow they got their happy ending.


End file.
